FOR ADVICE, ASK
OSKAR THE GENTLEMAN
Heya,
I'm about to be married to the girl I've lived with for a
few years. Both of us have been through pretty much everything a married couple
has. The wedding is pretty much a formality. My question is: How do we keep
things fresh? I don't want to regret getting married.
Engaged in Evansville
It’s a difficult
thing, getting married, particularly so if you’ve lived with your spouse for
any period of time before marriage. If you feel things getting stale, maybe you
should pursue the following scenario.
One time, Mrs.
Oskar felt as though we needed to breathe some excitement into our bedroom life
as well as our day-to-day interaction as husband and wife. Well, I decided
while she was out grocery shopping one day to change all the locks in the
house—front door, back door, garage door, everything. When she couldn’t get in
the house for a couple hours, it shook things up for awhile, I’ll tell you
that.
Oskar,
You've got a bitchin' mustache. Do you do anything special to
it to make it look so awesome?
Harry in Henderson
I was born with a
mustache. All men in my family are born with them, and need no extra product.
However, I’ve heard through other mustache enthusiasts that using wax will keep
a mustache in shape, if you plan on doing any kind of curling of your lip
valences.
Dear Sir,
I'm sick and tired of people labeling Christian musicians as
this or that! There are plenty of musicians out there who make beautiful songs
about Jesus and I just want people to realize it. Why do you think snobs who
call themselves secularist humanists are so down on the awesome glory of
praise music?
Thank you, and bless -
Hold your horses,
friend. Christian music is by the very nature meant to be inoffensive. Funnily
enough, non-Christian folks are more often offended by this very premise.
Personally, I don’t have a problem with Christians being musicians—the same as
I’m not offended by Satanist musicians or even agnostic flautists. I don’t really care what your message is, so
long as your music isn’t awful.
The general rule is
that it’s just as hard to write a great song about Jesus (I’m fond of Relient
K’s catalog) as it is to write a poor one (Rich Mullins’ “Awesome God”). It just so happens that the majority of Christian
music that gets celebrated ends up paling in comparison to Grand Funk Railroad,
Oingo Boingo and Horses-era Patti
Smith.
Hey -
You look like you know a lot of stuff. So answer me this,
smart guy: What DO you get for the man who has everything?
Sincerely, Joe in Jasper
Something illegal,
Joe. Something illegal. I suggest a small Asian houseboy to shine your shoes
and lick your pets clean.
Oskar,
Do you think the world will end in 2012?
Waiting for Aquarius
I refuse to buy
into Armageddon prophecy much as I refuse to purchase anything from the
cesspool that is Wal-Mart. However, I do believe that my world will end if
Brooks Brothers goes out of business. How else will I assert my superiority
over the lesser mutants?
Mr. Gentleman,
So you look like a Baby Boomer. Tell me, are you the best or
worst generation America's ever seen? Gen X and Y want to know.
Thanks
I’d like to know
how we got to the end of the alphabet so quickly, before I say anything else.
Who gets to pick their generation letter?
While it might be
biased for me to say I am better than you, it is the truth—at least on a
personal level. As for my entire generation of humanity, I venture to say that
no generation is superior or inferior to the preceding or following
generations.
For example, I do
not hold myself as a higher moral being than plantation owners in the 1850’s.
It’s a certainty that they engaged in reprehensible behavior, of course, but
there is no doubt in my mind I’ve done something of similar disgusting
principle—such as purchasing food at Wal-Mart instead of from Whole Foods.
That’s
all for this month. Have a question you’re itching to have answered (such as
where that red burning sensation comes from)? Email oskarthegentleman@gmail.com
