They’re baaack! Move over Miss Cleo, Swami B2 answers all
your questions on love, life and the pursuit of happiness.
Aries
March 8-April 2
Your work week will be drawn out and "totally
amazing" like the season finale of The Rock of Love 2. In other
words, it will suck and leave you miserably unfulfilled. Tasks mount as you
drone your way past vapid days. Hedge weekly spending for a weekend bender, and
possibly bail.
This week: Fast food yields a touch of the pukes.
Sagittarius
November 31-December 8
Your cats cooperate and figure out how to breach the
refrigerator door. While they munch on your leftovers, the dog ravages your
beer stash and yaks all over the kitchen floor. Don't let this rattle your
cage. Tonight, relaxation is replaced with pine-sol.
This week: Your iPod is stolen and maliciously replaced with
an awful Jon Secada mix tape.
Leo
January 16-February 11
Congratulations, You'll be
receiving a hefty check in the mail! Or... not. Actually, you'll just get
bills, and a summons for jury duty. Bummer.
THIS WEEK: PAY BRANDON.
Capricorn
June 4-June 29
The Yankees suck this season,
loyal baseball fan. An obnoxious Red Sox faithful insults Derek Jeter to your
face, forcing an immediate and electrifying scuffle. His stupid
Kevin Youkilis replica jersey is ripped off his back, the cops
are involved, charges are filed....ehhh, but at least you eradicated that
muttonhead smirk from his face. Further indicating the apocalypse is among us,
the Cubs have a WINNING SEASON. Disgusting.
THIS WEEK: DON'T FORGET TO WATCH
MONDAY NIGHT BASEBALL.
Virgo
August 6-September 16
A Trading Spouses
marathon lets you catch a break from your crap life and sneak a peek into
someone else's. Revel the insanity and awkward tension as two contrasting
families invert for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy the ridiculous humanity
with some popcorn, although you'll probably burn it.
THIS WEEK: TELL AN OFFENSIVE JOKE
AT WORK.
Cancer
February 29-March 6
A clumsy tumble down the steps
starts your day off on a sour note. Coworkers jeer and rudely
point at your battered face and busted lips. Just because
someone circulates a company-wide e-mail calling attention
to the gaping rip in your pleated work khakis (with attached
picture) doesn't mean you can't handle the heat. You shine through
because you are a professional, and dammit, you have a job to do. No task is
too mundane for you, worker bee.
THIS WEEK: INVEST IN NEW PANTS.
Aquarius
December 1-December 25
The day erupts with a bang
(literally) as you discover your porcelain throne has exploded. Rank
toilet juice smatters every inch of your previously sanitized bathroom. Curious
cats creep into the swampy fray and scatter mucky slime throughout your
dwelling as you frantically shoo them away. An excruciating migraine adds to
the fun.
THIS WEEK: GIVE UP.
Scorpio
April 3-May 17
Escalating temperatures mean
hairball season is in full swing. Prepare for battle with your shedding
critters. Locate your grooming brush and perfect your stroke or else they'll
be firing off hairballs left and right, leaving putrid surprises in
your favorite sneakers. Ghastly hacking and revolting upchucking can be
avoided with daily diligence.
THIS WEEK: WEAR FLIP FLOPS.
Taurus
July 4-August 1
Your conservative girlfriend quits
her job to pursue exotic dancing. Slathering on fruity lotion and gyrating
for a filthy creep sporting an eye patch and Wild
Turkey breath turns her crank more than crunching numbers and balancing
budgets. It will be wise to concede your relationship, or her new found
"passion" could leave you with more than you bargained for, like
a nasty rash that requires medical attention.
THIS WEEK: YOUR eHARMONY PROFILE
IS REJECTED.
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