December 22-January 19

Your overweight property manager assures you the maintenance man will relieve any and all problems with your air conditioner during his seventh visit to your apartment to check the Freon levels. He is heating/cooling certified, and wields a mean screw driver, which qualifies him as the right candidate for the job. Never mind he is a boob in a dingy wife-beater with limited vocabulary and communication skills. You’re going to have some real cold air now.

THIS WEEK: Consider moving.

Aquarius

January 20-February 18

Shoot for a promotion at work. Convey you are the right candidate for increase by growing a thick mustache, which translates professionalism and authority, at least in your opinion. But in reality, you are still a douche.

THIS WEEK: Start growing an intimidation beard.

Pisces

February 19-March 20

Have a blast playing recreational softball with your co-workers. Line drives are being sprayed everywhere, including your face. The object is to catch the ball with your mitt, not your teeth, Chris Sabo.

THIS WEEK: Shield the dent in your face and watch the game from the stands.

Aries

March 21-April 19

You’ve run out of post-it notes, bringing household communication to a screeching halt. The days swirl in confusion and your world crumbles.

THIS WEEK: Don’t leave the house.

Taurus

April 20-May 20

Wake up at 3 a.m. and head out to collect the orange barrels clogging up the roads and killing your commute. Quit before dawn or you’ll be arrested and made to place orange barrels on roads and highways for punishment.

THIS WEEK: Road rage reaches critical levels.

Gemini

May 21-June 20

Your summer slim-down hits a snag as you discover you’ve gained 10 pounds. Perhaps your steady diet of Mountain Dew, corn dogs and Laffy Taffy might be to blame. Or it could be the fact that you are a lazy sack that doesn’t exercise.

THIS WEEK: Take the treadmill out of the box. Assemble. Use.

Cancer

June 21-July 22

The NASCAR race is rained out this weekend, disrupting your routine of getting belligerently drunk and spewing hatred for Jeff Gordon at the television while clutching a large bowl of Cheetos.

THIS WEEK: Refrain from watching that logger-headed Larry the Cable DVD for the 4th time.

Leo

July 23-August 22

To your disbelief, the Cubs have still have the best record in baseball.

THIS WEEK: Overcome your ulcers and continue cheering for Yankee wins, and a return to normalcy.

Virgo

August 23-September 22

Enjoy the nice weather with a trip to the zoo. A few monkeys jeer and throw their poop at you, so you throw poop back at them. You are escorted from the premises and turned over to the cops.

THIS WEEK: Cope with your lifetime ban from the zoo.

Libra

September 23-October 22

You order a new cell phone from Amazon and they send you a JITTERBUG by mistake.  It comes with coupons for Bob Evans, a pamphlet on how to drive your vehicle erratically and painfully slow and an autographed picture of Wilfred Brimley.

THIS WEEK: Give the JITTERBUG to your grandmother along with detailed instructions.

Scorpio

October 23-November 21

Your dirty-mouthed cat gets into your Orbit supply and makes a holy mess. Have fun spending three hours cutting that crap out of Frisker’s fur, the carpet and the couch.

THIS WEEK: Cat-proof the cabinets.

Sagittarius

November 22-December 21

One of the neighborhood kids super glues a dead squirrel to the hood of your car. Brutal, unsightly and the topic of conversation among your coworkers.

THIS WEEK: Coworkers fill your desk drawers with acorns.