You begin interpreting
celestial bodies and related details for fun (you know, a joke) and publish
your findings in a local entertainment magazine, which in turn angers and puts
the panties of local ‘expert’ astrologers in a tremendous wad. Outraged and
red-face angered, they gather wood and seek you out to capture and burn you at
their appointed and cosmically aligned stake.
THIS WEEK: Bury astrology and start relying on
fortune cookies and the magic eight ball. They are more accurate.
Pisces
February 19-March 20
Krazy glue, a mischievous
cat and a broken pair of 8-year-old Oakley sunglasses result in calamity and
rinsing your eye out with tap water for 20 minutes.
THIS WEEK: Seek medical attention or you’ll end up
with a glass eye.
Aquarius
January 20-February 18
A security pat-down at a
Kenny Chesney concert finds you surrendering your Jim Beam, walking away sans
ticket. However, your mom’s stash of gin makes it through the gates unscathed.
THIS WEEK: Find a better hiding spot to sneak in your
liquor or get a purse.
Virgo
August 23-September 22
You encounter someone that
doesn’t understand your sense of humor and find yourself entrenched in dull
conversation with them. Monotonous boredom ensues as they try and rationalize
your perceived inability to be funny.
THIS WEEK: Stop ripping off jokes from Laffy Taffy
wrappers and start conversating with people that DID NOT find Wild Hogs humorous.
Scorpio
October 23-November 21
You are 48 minutes late for
work because 89 percent of the roads in Evansville
are destroyed.
THIS WEEK: Tardiness equals ‘You’re FIRED!’
Libra
September 23-October 22
You attend a social
gathering and meet an obnoxious girl with hair resembling a Darth Vader helmet.
She tries to impress you by drinking two beers simultaneously and later pukes
on your new shoes.
THIS WEEK: Stop talking to girls with helmet hair
drinking two beers at once...NOT SMART.
Sagittarius
November 22-December 21
Another job interview,
another ‘almost but sorry.’ Forever remembered as the guy with the nice tie,
you are destined for crap jobs and poverty.
THIS WEEK: Make up a new resume, and LIE.
Leo
July 23-August 22
You catch a ball game with a
friend and get more than you bargained for. He gets drunk and exposes himself
to those in close proximity. Horror, embarrassment and frantic explanation to
members of law enforcement ensue.
THIS WEEK: Stop hanging out with “Dusty.”
Aries
March 21-April 19
You buy a skin-tight pair of
jeans to be fashionably hip like one of the Jonas Brothers. Your 11-year-old
sister comes home wearing the same pair of jeans. Your friends berate you by
pelting you with things and hurling non-masculine insults.
THIS WEEK: Everyone laughs at you and your sister
steals your jeans.
Gemini
May 21-June 20
People owe you money and
they don’t pay up in a timely manner. Bank representatives show up at your door
with crowbars, calculators, tire irons and menacing faces.
THIS WEEK: Have fun piecing together your bank
account and shattered kneecaps.
Cancer
June 21-July 22
A cackling, throaty woman
with a pair of dice and a four of diamonds crudely tattooed on her thigh
corners you into awkward conversation of crankshafts, motor oil and Lynyrd
Skynyrd. She also asks you for a lift to CVS to purchase a multitude of (behind
the counter) Sudafed.
THIS WEEK: Limit your social outings.
Taurus
April 20-May 20
Deadlines approach and you
are not prepared. In fact, you are on the fast-track to being fully sideways
intoxicated, which makes for long, disjointed night and a painful tomorrow.
THIS WEEK: Misspellings and grammatical catastrophes
are in your future, tarnishing your barely discovered reputation.
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