A rousing night at the bar leads
to a slap-off between you and a friend. After a few pops, he takes it below the
belt. Fall to your knees and regurgitate on yourself.
This month: Plot revenge.
2
Poison Ivy takes over your body;
it’s the itch you can’t scratch.
TM: She asks what you’re wearing.
It’s Calamine Lotion.
3
Your children get into your stash
of Phil Collins records... you knew this day would come!
TM: Burn the brooding record;
take your children to church.
4
Fourteen consecutive days of
playing The Sims 3 leaves you feeling
quite foul and unsanitary. A warm shower and vigorous scrubbing will prove
quite salubrious.
TM: Don’t forget to pay your
bills, or your property will be repossessed.
5
Looks like your dream of Space Jam 2, starring Zydrunas
Ilgauskas, with appearances by Mahmoud Abdul-Rauf, Rik Smits, Adam Morrison and
Darko Milicic has hit the skids.
TM: Rally support and start a
petition.
6
Career prediction: DEMOTED. Thank
your boss for totally murking you.
TM: Ponder door-to-door magazine
sales; at the very least you’ll earn a spring break trip to Cancun.
7
In honor of the annual Nathan’s
Hot Dog Eating Contest, paint your face and stage a hot dog eating contest with
yourself. Choking after 8 dogs, you’ll need your spouse to perform the Heimlich
and drive you to the hospital.
TM: There’s always next year.
8
Turns out your secret celebrity
crush, Chastity Bono, is becoming a man. Luck never was on your side.
TM: Let that be a lesson: don’t
delay sending a celebrity crush fan mail.
9
Inspired by the metallic
destruction in Transformers 2, you construct your own “robotic suit” from beer
cans, duct tape, bicycle spokes and Christmas Lights to terrorize local
buildings in your neighborhood.
TM: You are not striking fear,
but laughter.
10
Your little sister hacked into
your Netflix account again. You can now expect TheNeverending Story 3:
Escape From Fantasia and 3 Ninjas instead
of the slasher-flicks you planned. Lame.
TM: There will be consequences,
like dolls losing heads.
11
Your mom now has a Twitter page.
First tweet: insulting your facial hair.
TM: She can kiss her birthday
card goodbye!
12
You wake up and find your
wardrobe replaced by Affliction brand clothing, accessorized with generic
tribal tattoos and mundane personality.
Comments (
