News4U Online

Reality can sometimes be stranger than fiction, and our newspapers, magazines, and the Internet are chock full of stories that, although deserving of more attention, never quite make the nightly news. Here are some of those stories, along with my unsolicited, cynical commentary. This is the Weird News from Around the World. 

Papers Please! Police State a Reality in Nation’s Capital?

[www.examiner.com]

The Indianapolis Examiner has reported an executive order in the District of Columbia has given police Chief Cathy L. Lanier the authority to declare areas of the city of Washington “Neighborhood Safety Zones.” At least 6 officers, they report, will maintain cordons around those zones and demand to see ID from anyone entering or leaving to determine whether they live there, work there, or have a “legitimate reason” to be there. Anyone not meeting these criteria will be sent away or will face arrest.

Curious to know if this was really going on in the United States of America and not some Third World Police State, I called the DC Metro Police Department and spoke to Communications Director, Traci Hughes, who confirmed the report and told me to visit the mpdc.dc.gov website for a press release. The measure is intended, they claim, to crack down on violence and drug dealing in the city of Washington.

I’d just like to humbly take a moment to direct the DC Metro Police to the Fourth and Fifth Amendments to the Constitution of the United States (aka, The Supreme Law of the Land), just in case they’ve forgotten them:

“The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.”

“No person shall…be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law…”

Man, I feel like Matlock, Columbo, Al Pacino and Johnny Cochrane all rolled into one.

Fake Bus Stop Keeps Alzheimer’s Patients from Escaping

[www.telegraph.co.uk]

A recent article in the London Telegraph reported on an unusual method, employed by one German senior care association, for keeping Alzheimer’s-stricken residents from escaping the grounds. Lacking the authority to forcibly restrain the elderly tenants, Benrath Senior Centre in the western city of Düsseldorf employs a fake bus stop, complete with the recognizable German bus stop sign, to keep their Alzheimer’s-inflicted seniors from wandering too far when wanting to return to their homes or families (many of which, sadly, no longer exist).

“Our members are 84 years-old on average,” Chairman Franz-Josef Goebel explains. “Their short-term memory hardly works at all, but the long-term memory is still active. They know the green and yellow bus sign and remember that waiting there means they will go home.”

When a resident is spotted at the bus stop, they are approached by senior care staff, told the bus is coming later today, and invited back inside for tea or coffee.

This is one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard of, and upon reading the article I immediately informed my wife that if I ever reach that state, my personal wish is to be euthanized. Now, my dear readers, you’re all my witnesses.

Waitress Laid Off for Being Bald

[canadianpress.google.com]

A waitress at a restaurant in Ontario, Canada was recently laid off from her job for having a shaved head. Stacey Fearnall had just raised more than $2,700 for a cancer charity by shaving her head, but when her employer, Dan Hilliard, told her to wear a wig and she refused, he laid her off for the summer until her hair grows back. Hilliard cited restaurant standards requiring employees to keep their hair at a reasonable length, and while he agrees it is bad PR for his restaurant, he’s sticking to his decision. He says he's already heard from some customers who agree with him and say they would have been "appalled" to be served at Fearnall's table.

            My take on this: there’s a time when sticking to your guns and being a hardliner is admirable, and there’s a time when it just makes you look like a total asshole. Dan Hilliard, and whoever said they would be “appalled” to be served by a bald waitress, could all use some Preparation-H, because they sound to me like a bunch of festering, hemmeroidally-infected a-holes.

Preparation-H: The New Club Drug

[abcnews.go.com/Health/SkinCare/story?id=4966867&page=1]

Speaking of Preparation-H and the a-holes who use it, a recent ABCNews.com report exposes the recreational use of Preparation-H use in nightclubs. It seems some of the vainer and buff club-goers are using the butt ointment on their tummies and other parts to prevent unsightly bloating and make themselves look “ripped.” This practice, long used by bodybuilders, actually has some scientific merit. Preparation H contains phenylephrine HCL that shrinks the swollen tissues of hemorrhoids. It works by constricting the nearby blood vessels that feed blood and fluid to the area. But the ingredient doesn't discriminate what kind of tissue it will shrink, hence the underground beauty tips of applying Preparation H under the eyes, on love handles or other places.

            I say put it where you want, just don’t rub too much of it on “that certain part of the male body.” You know… Otherwise, (and this seems particularly true for bodybuilders), it will vanish completely.