Saying the world is not doomed is like saying recycling is making a positive impact. Keep wishing.

 

I’M A PRICE HAGGLER

Do me a solid man and cut me a deal. You see I really want this item, but I don’t want to pay full price for it. I know it’s marked $299.99, but I was figuring about $149 tops. What do you mean you can’t cut me a deal? All I’m asking is that you adjust the price for me. It’s not that I won’t pay for it; I just don’t want to shell out what your store values it at. Come on man, don’t make me play hardball here. Alright then, jerkwad, I can get this for $129 on the Internet, but I’m willing to give you my business if you drop it to $149. Sure, it’s a credible site! It’s on the Internet! That’s it, I want to speak to your manager, since there’s nothing you can do for me. You’re an idiot anyway. Get me somebody I can negotiate with. Pfff, finally. Listen here, boss, I want this product for a cheaper price. Your dimwit clerk over there forgot that I’m the customer, and the customer is always right! I don’t need my chain jerked anymore, so I’m talking to you, the manager, and I want you to give me a deal; knock a few bucks off. What do you mean corporate sets the prices? You’re a manager aren’t you? Well, FML. What good are you then? You’re telling me you’re the manager and you won’t drop the price! That is ridiculous. You are an imbecile! You must be deranged if you think people are actually going to pay that price! You lowlife, uneducated schmuck! I should just punch you in the face right now! This is discrimination and I don’t have to take it! I don’t care, call the cops! Then we’ll see who’s acting crazy! Me, or the kook who’s trying to rip me off! Trying to rob me of my hard-earned money like that, you slime-ball! No, I WON’T take my hands off you, PAL! YOU GO TO HELL!

 

DMX

ARF! ARF! What’s my name! Lately, it’s been 655321. Listen dog, I’ve been arrested so many times, even I’ve lost count. You name it, I’ve done it. Cars, drugs, dogs, guns, beatings, obscenities, identity falsification... I’ve done it all! I’ve even killed aliens, defaced national monuments, dressed in drag while robbin’ liquor stores and plagiarized! ARF! Get at me dog, what! Those fools even put me in pink prison uniforms because they don’t know what to do with the dog. Put me in a convertible Bug with purple Pansies in the dash and drive me through Compton... it don’t matter! You can’t cage the beast... I’ma always keep breaking out, ruff ryding for life! D--M--X! I’m one of the most enigmatic rappers of all time, a renowned, talented film star and future man of the cloth! You can’t live without Dark Man X, America!

 

“REALITY” STARS

Oh man. Stab me in the cochlea with a Phillips-head screwdriver. Gouge my eyes with sporks until I’m rendered incapable of witnessing these on-screen catastrophes. If I am forced to witness one more wretched season of Real World/Road Rules Challenge at my girlfriend’s hand, my brain will liquefy and my body will set itself on fire. What, RW/RR Challenge has been extended through 2909? Lord help us! I can handle natural disasters and the crock-pot warming of our Earth, but this never-ending plague of backstabbing betrayal and pettiness? This suffering is just too cruel. Seventeen regrettable seasons and counting. Alright Paula, we get it, you’re an emotionally unstable floozy. MTV probably keeps you in a cage when you’re not on the show so you don’t find some ridiculous way to off yourself. CT, you’ve got a peach pit for a brain, which explains your inane comments and the fact you enunciate as if you’ve suffered a dozen strokes and 25 whacks to the head with a 2x4. You actually fit in quite well with the rest of the slow thinking meat-heads with terrible haircuts and inflated egos. MTV must start injecting you guys a couple of months before taping so you look nice and juiced. Then the liquor flows and you guys start barking unintelligible insults to one another before puffing out your chests and throwing each other through furniture. Between the testosterone overload, meaningless philosophical waxing, contagious spit swapping and seething venom from all the squawk boxes, there is still absolutely zero watchable content here. A bunch of nobodies spreading filth amongst once another and some fat guy covered in red fur. Is that guy even human? Or is he some sort of bear/human crossbreed? Either way, they need to stop feeding him.