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FILM PREVIEWS

February 5th

From Paris With Love (Lionsgate)

Have I ever told you that I think John Travolta sucks out loud? Well, I do. And, here, Taken director Pierre Morel gets the honors of trying to turn The Boy in the Plastic Bubble into an action star. Travolta, alongside Jonathan Rhys Meyers (The Tudors), stars as an F.B.I. agent trying to stop a terrorist attack in France. Isn’t it a little ironic that Travolta, who’s a Scientologist, makes me crave prescription meds?

February 12th

Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief (Fox)

Who names a kid “Percy?” Ugh! Can you imagine? What looks like a Harry Potter rip-off really isn’t when you consider that Percy Jackson is directed by Chris Columbus, the director who initially gave Harry Potter his big -screen identity. After all, it was Columbus who directed the first two Potter installments, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone and Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, before moving on. Here, he brings to life Rick Riordan’s novel about a teenager who discovers he’s the direct descendant of a Greek god. The average filmgoer will likely accuse Columbus of being a copycat. But, with Percy Jackson, he’s only copying himself.

February 12th

The Wolfman (Universal)

The smoldering Benicio Del Toro stars as Lawrence Talbot, a man cursed by the light of the autumn moon. His knuckles get hairy, his teeth get sharp, he has the undying urge to sniff butts. Yes! He’s a wolf! Director Joe Johnston (Jumanji, Hidalgo, Jurassic Park III) assembles a smoking-hot cast that includes Anthony Hopkins, Hugo Weaving (The Matrix, V for Vendetta) and Emily Blunt, who recently scored raves as The Young Victoria. Anyone who’s seen an Underworld movie knows that films involving werewolves can be downright silly. But this group of actors has the chops to pull one off!

February 19th

Shutter Island (Paramount)

The latest film by Martin Scorsese (The Departed, Casino, Cape Fear, Raging Bull) is the victim of a six-month delay. I first wrote about Shutter Island in my October 2009 column and the movie was quickly forced to the back-burner. (I know the way I phrased the previous sentence makes it sound like my column had something to do with that, but, trust me, I was no cause of that effect!) Here, Leonardo DiCaprio and Mark Ruffalo star as two U.S. marshals, who, in 1954, are sent to a gnarly-looking mental institution (of course, what was I expecting?) to investigate the disappearance of a patient. Shutter Island looks good. The trailer is interesting, creepy, even scary! So, what’s the hold up? Was it, like The Soloist, delayed because it’s really awful?

February 26th

Cop Out (Warner Brothers)

Bruce Willis (Oh, Dear!), Tracy Morgan (Are you f-ing kidding me?), and Seann William Scott (Shoot me now!) star in Kevin Smith’s new buddy-cop flick. As if the three leads aren’t reason enough to avoid the ticket lines, let’s talk about Kevin Smith, whose last movie, Zach and Miri Make a Porno, may have given me herpes.  

February 26th

The Crazies (Overture)

Hey! That should be the name for all those psycho b*tches on The Bachelor! Timothy Olyphant and Radha Mitchell star in Breck Eisner’s remake of George A. Romero’s 1973 thriller, The Crazies, about a small town terrorized by mutants. To illustrate just how updated the new version is . . . Romero’s story took place in a small town in Pennsylvania. Eisner, who directed (pardon me if I choke on it) Sahara, sets his story in a small town in Iowa. He’s so brave to make that leap! What reinvention! What vision! He so crazy!

VIDEO REVIEWS

February 2^nd

Zombieland (Sony)

It was 2004 that the Brits decided that all the zombie movies had become really lame! And, with the exception of Danny Boyle’s thought-provoking 28 Days Later, I couldn’t have agreed more! So, they decided to lampoon said zombies in the occasionally hilarious Shaun of the Dead. Then, in 2009, proving that it takes nearly five years for Hollywood to get a British memo, director Ruben Fleischer unleashed Zombieland to theatres. The result? Yep! Something lame! Fleischer’s take is an uninspired and unfunny exercise in what to do and what not to do when approached by a savage blood-thirsty corpse. Wanna know what’s on my what-not-to-do list? Guess! Here’s a hint . . . GRADE: C-

February 9th

A Serious Man (Universal)

If you read my January column, you know that I listed some of my favorite movies of 2009 and the latest Coen brothers project was among them. But, now having seen all the contenders, I will go one step further. A Serious Man was my FAVORITE movie of last year! This hysterically funny morality play tells the story of Larry Gopnik (a brilliant Michael Stuhlbarg), a Jewish college professor whose Midwestern existence is cursed in every way imaginable! But instead of wallowing in self-pity and “Oy Vey’s” Larry tries, his damndest, to do the right thing! If you thought Larry was cursed before, just wait until he chooses, for the first time in his life, to blur the boundaries of good and bad. The consequences are Serious! I love this movie! I’m all verklempt! GRADE: A

February 23rd

The Informant! (Warner Brothers)

Hollywood loves dramatic stories about ballsy whistleblowers! Look at the list: Erin Brockovich, The Insider, Michael Clayton. All were thought-provoking, stirring. So, credit goes to director Steven Soderbergh for finding the funny bone in The Informant!, which is based on the true story of Mark Whitacre, who, by working with the F.B.I., blew the whistle on the price-fixing schemes of agricultural giant Archer Daniels Midland. Of course, the bipolar Whitacre was no saint and ended up doing time of his own for embezzlement. Way to go, Dumbass! There’s no question that approaching this story in a comic manner takes the dramatic punch in the gut out of it. After all, the price fixing involved had effects on commerce throughout the world. But Matt Damon latches onto the comedy and runs with it. In fact, he impressively sinks his considerable acting chops into the insanely quirky role of Mark Whitacre, a multi-faceted genius of a man way too smart for his own good! GRADE: B   

February 23rd

The Box (Warner Brothers)

In 2001 director Richard Kelly secured his place in cult-classic history with his bizarre-romp Donnie Darko. A couple of months ago he secured his place on my list of the Worst Ten Movies of 2009. In fact, The Box came in at #5! Congratulations! Your movie blew! What is supposed to be a suspenseful reflection on greed, sacrifice and sin ends up being an exercise in really bad Southern accents (Yep, you Cameron Diaz!) and trying to control oneself when one is laughing uncontrollably at parts of a film that are supposed to be dramatic. The Box is terrible and there were times during the film that I truly hoped, that when Ms. Diaz and Mr. James Marsden pushed the mysterious button, that I would choke on a Snowcapâ and be spared the agony. GRADE: F   

February 23rd

Cirque de Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (Universal)

Or as I like to call it . . . Suck de Freak. Several things about this lame-o vampire flick are bothersome. First, I find it hard to believe that Oscarâ-winning screenwriter Brian Helgeland (L.A. Confidential) wrote the blasted thing. Second, I find it hard to fathom that this lifeless film is based on literary characters that spawned a dozen books. Third, I find it painful that vibrant actors and actresses like Willem Dafoe, Salma Hayek and Jane Krakowski are cast as mutant freaks but seem to get no joy or challenge from it at all. And, let’s talk about John C. Reilly (complaint number four, if you‘re counting), who, while playing a vampire, looks as if he’s stumbled out of the b-roll of Talladega Nights. If I had a set of vampire fangs, I would have chewed out my own jugular vein. GRADE: D-