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August 1st

Swing Vote (Buena Vista)

With the 2008 presidential election right around the corner, Universal Studios has fast-tracked this project. In fact, as I am writing this column, the movie is still officially listed as “in production.” That’s not a good sign. But then again, neither is the name Kevin Costner. Costner stars as a lovable loser named Bud Johnson, who, after a bizarre chain of events, learns that the presidential election has come down to his single vote. This year’s real presidential election is going to be “theatre” enough. In fact, the November vote could be historic. Swing Vote has a lot of real-life and political drama to contend with and I am quite skeptical the cast and crew are up to the challenge. Dare I say, I feel like a dangling chad.     

August 8th

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 (Warner Brothers)

Though this sequel isn’t billed as science-fiction, I am here to argue that it is. Excuse me. But am I really suppose to believe that Blake Lively, Alexis Bledel, Amber Tamblyn and America Ferrera can all wear the exact same pair of pants? That’s the premise here. The friends have gone their separate ways, but stay in touch by mailing each other the same pair of denim jeans. Then each girl wears those jeans when she has meaningful life experiences. Let’s break this down anatomically. America Ferrera (who’s adorable playing Ugly Betty) has a ghetto booty! Blake Lively is a particularly muscular girl who’s built like a member of the USA’s Olympic softball team.  Alexis Bledel has the body mass index of a praying mantis. There’s no way these girls can wear the same pair of pants! Girls, it’s time to grow up, get a job and buy your own jeans.

August 15th

Tropic Thunder (Paramount)

If this movie works, Ben Stiller could be hailed as a comic genius. If it doesn’t, he could be vilified as a racist. Here’s the premise. A group of misfit actors are making a Vietnam War film that becomes terribly real when their first-time director sets up an on-location shoot in the middle of jungle territory controlled by a ruthless heroin cartel. Robert Downey Jr. stars as Oscar-winning method actor Kirk Lazarus, who is so committed to playing an African-American soldier that he dyes his skin black. Yep, he’s wearing black face. The current climate doesn’t seem real receptive to this type of humor. Don Imus lost his radio gig, and then got into trouble again. Stand-up comics are being booed off stage for allegedly racist material. Bernie Mac bombed landing an off-color joke at an Obama fundraiser. Even The New Yorker has come under fire for an alleged “tasteless and offensive” cover.  There was a time when an idea like Tropic Thunder would have been well-received. I’m just not convinced that time includes 2008.      

August 22nd

Death Race (Universal)

Sometimes, you just gotta work to put food on the table. Ask Joan Allen. Yes, that Joan Allen, the three-time Academy Award nominee (The Contender, The Crucible and Nixon), who now finds herself starring in a Jason Statham movie. Statham stars as former NASCAR champ Jensen Ames, who lands in prison after being accused of murder. But this is no ordinary prison. No! This prison is ruled over by Joan Allen (who’s eating heartily because of this paycheck) and is home to a televised car race in which inmates compete for their lives. You’ve heard the old expression, right? “You need something to fall back on.” This is the prime example. Joan Allen is a glorious actress who has mesmerized in films like Pleasantville and The Upside of Anger. If Death Race is the only work she can get, she needs something to fall back on.  

Crossing Over (MGM)

I’ve driven through border patrol and it’s unnerving even for me, a white guy who was born in Kentucky. Wayne Kramer’s (The Cooler) new drama is a study of immigrants trying to attain legal status in Los Angeles and what they must go through in order to get it: border patrol, the green card process, those demoralizing traffic checkpoints up and down the California coastline. For this exercise, Kramer has lined up an expert and capable cast that includes Harrison Ford and Sean Penn. In the movie Babel, we caught a glimpse of how traumatizing “crossing over” can be. Who can forget that image of Adriana Barraza (Oscar-nominated for her role as Amelia) trying to explain that she belongs in the U-S? The reason fences are built is simple. They are built to mark territory and to exclude. The reason fences are crossed is also simple. It’s the ultimate expression of freedom, of breaking through barriers. I personally cannot wait to go Crossing Over.

DVD Reviews

Never Back Down (Summit)

From Chris Hauty, the screenwriter who gave us the grossly underappreciated Homeward Bound 2: Lost in San Francisco (that’s sarcasm, peeps!), comes this modern-day revamping of The Karate Kid. In that 1984 blockbuster, Ralph Macchio starred as Daniel Larusso, a new kid on the block who becomes the immediate target of the school bully, who just so happens to be able to kick some major ass with his martial arts expertise! You remember that movie, right? Well, Chris Hauty does and he basically recreates it, but with far less charm and one less loveable Asian handyman. Look! Like it or not, The Karate Kid is one of the most popular movies from the 1980s. To this day, I am still trying to catch flies with chopsticks. Every time I go boating, I practice my crane technique. Sometimes I wear a headband just for fun. The Karate Kid is an enduring lesson in how to take up for yourself. Though it sounds silly to say this, its message will inspire generations. When people look back at the films from this decade, no one is going to remember Never Back Down! GRADE: C-  

August 5th

Nim‘s Island (Fox)

In recent interviews, Jodie Foster has stated that she’s being very picky about her projects these days. Really, Jodie? Let’s review. Flight Plan skidded right off the runway. The Brave One was a complete embarrassment. And now there’s Nim’s Island, a film about a young girl who lives on a deserted island with her father, a scientist in pursuit of some glow-in-the-dark, neon plankton. When her father goes missing, Nim seeks help from Alex Rover, the star of her favorite action/adventure book series. Only problem, Alex Rover isn’t a “he.” Alex is an obsessive-compulsive, agoraphobic, neurotic and completely irritating “she” that worked my nerves.  So, Jodie, I have vowed to be pickier too. And, right now, I am going to pick this gigantic wedgie out of my crack! GRADE: C-

August 12th

Smart People (Miramax)

Close the garage door and fire up the carbon monoxide producers! Everybody in this film is going to make you absolutely miserable. Why? Because they’re all miserable. Dennis Quaid stars as a burned-out college professor who’s dating an equally joyless emergency room doctor named Hartigan (Sarah Jessica Parker). And I must interject here. This doc NEVER works. So, if you plan on having a car accident or chainsaw mishap, pray the ambulance service doesn’t drop you off at her door. The odds of your survival will be minimal. But, I digress. The prof has a loser brother named Chuck (Thomas Haden Church) who does nothing except make thinly-veiled passes at his jaded and grumpy niece (Ellen Paige). Doesn’t that sound a tad gross? Well, it is. It’s basically a cinematic “bad touch.” Then again, so is the movie. Stanislavski says that at the core of every character (written for stage or screen) is a core motivation. There’s not a single character in this movie who‘s motivated to do anything. The result is this thoroughly uninteresting film that is a chore to endure. GRADE: D+ 

August 19th

Prom Night (Screen Gems)

I have a question. Let’s say you’re being chased by an insane killer. We’re speaking hypothetically, of course. Would you run backward to escape slaughter? I didn’t think so. That’s not a recommended survival skill. Another question. If your best friend was stalked by your high school teacher and he killed her entire family, would you remember what he looks like? Or, years later, would you pass him leaving an elevator and say, “Gosh, he looks familiar. But I just can’t place him.” Really? Let’s see. He gave you a “D” on that midterm. Oh yeah, and he tried to gut your best friend, Donna, like a catfish!  The bottom line here is simple. These teenagers wouldn’t be dead if they weren’t so stupid. GRADE: D-

August 26th

Made of Honor (Sony Pictures)

If you’re reading this column, I need to apologize. I just don’t have a movie to recommend for rental this month. But blame Hollywood, not me! I suppose the lesser of all of August’s evils is Made of Honor, the Dr. McDreamy romantic comedy that’s neither romantic nor comic. But the biggest problem in this movie lies in the set-up. When Hannah (Michelle Monaghan) first meets Tom (Patrick Dempsey/McDreamy), she cannot stand him. In fact, she tongue-lashes him for being a shameless womanizer. Fast forward ten years and, lo and behold, they’re best friends! Wrong! Buzzer! Load up the consolation prizes, Johnny, this contestant is the weakest link! Goodbye! I don’t believe for a second that Hannah would have ever decided to be friends with Tom and I don’t believe a guy like Tom could ever be best friends with a woman. This gal is attractive, smart and stubborn and there’s no way Tom isn’t trying to make luv in da club! GRADE: C